Hello all. It’s been several days. I’ve been feeling flogged lately by Real Life so today’s query is personal. It reflects part of my drama. Today’s query:
How much of you blog persona is production and how much is reality? Did you create your online life with the intention of creating a safe, comfortable space albeit of personal drama or did you want to journal it all the entertaining and the naughty bits? Regardless of you what you had intended, if you assessed your online persona, what does it say about you? How much is omitted? How much is revealed?
A lot has been going on in my personal life, issues building up: adjusting to raising a teenager full-time, once more working a job to pay the rent when what I really want is to convert my passion into a full-time career and wrestling my disappointment about what I haven’t done with my life. Not the idyllic post I'd rather be writing for a Sunday morning. I’ve got crap to work through, and I’m going to be writing because talking (writing) is how I process. Some of that processing will show up at Black-Eyed Susan’s and there are going to be times when there is less going on online because I’m trying to change my real world, that space I can’t edit with a backspace and swapped words.
Today's query is inspired by an essay I read at This So-Called Post-Post-Racial Life at the beginning of the year about egocasting, about the personas we manufacture. PPR_sribe’s essay has been orbiting my psycho sphere since I read it. It speaks to a dilemma I don’t know how fix. It’s my hamster wheel:
Even if I reveal my frustrations and errors, I can wait to craft a post until I have successfully overcome and corrected them. Even if I reveal my shortcomings, I can spin them in such a way that procrastination appears to be reflection, lack of divergent thinking becomes focus, pathological preservation becomes dedication.
I can be a product of my own production.
I want to stop spinning though production is not all bad. I hope you do read the complete post at TSCPPRL because her conclusion is positive.
Today, I’m too drained to polish my blog persona. I’m not feeling up to waxing anything poetic. I want creativity and connection online and off-line. I want reconciliation and my own space. I want to be able to love my family without feeling I have to choose between their needs and mine. I want to end the tug-of-war. I want a life that makes sense.